Hot Takes

God Spoke to Me About the Election

Folks, the last year has been a doozy. I might even go as far as to say that it’s been a real doozy. The Presidential election has devolved into a showdown between the least qualified (more…)

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Are You Addicted to Your Cell Phone?

The answer is a resounding: yes. We are all addicted to our phones and it’s getting worse every day. Why are you addicted to your cell phone? Why, it’s because you’re a worthless shitheel without will power! I’m joshing you (slightly). The good/bad news is that it’s a real addiction and you aren’t entirely to blame. The gooder news is that I have a quick fix for your terrible fault. (more…)

You Are Addicted to Your Phone

Good news: you’re not alone. We are all addicted to our phones and it’s getting worse every day. Why are you addicted to your cell phone? Why, it’s because you’re a worthless shitheel without will power! I’m joshing you (slightly). The good/bad news is that it’s a real addiction and you aren’t entirely to blame. The gooder news is that I have a quick fix for your terrible fault. (more…)

Cam Newton is a THUG

I am a proud white male, and I think – nay – I know that Cam Newton is a bad person. He parades around in his big football pads that cover his large, rippling shoulders like he owns the game. I am pro-life but don’t you dare think I am pro-showboating. Cam is an egotistical thug who thinks he can do whatever he wants! It needs to end. Now. Just kidding. (more…)

Famous People I Want to Suplex

Our culture has a seemingly innate drive to create parasocial relationships with people we’ve never met but idolize for various reasons. We all do it, but it’s a one way ticket to low self-esteem and empty pints of Ben & Jerry’s. Celebrity is given to people in the deep and shallow ends of the talent pool, and everyone in-between. Look to Daniel Day-Lewis for the high-end of the talent spectrum and look to reality TV for that extra push you need to commit suicide. I am not going to put your dear celebs on a pedestal here today. (more…)