With the 1st pick in the 2016 POTUS Draft, the American Americans select Donald John Trump. Folks, this is unlike anything this country has seen before. Remember that film Idiocracy? Neither do I. It is a fairly terrible movie minus Justin Long. Get out your last YAS QUEEN’s and DRAG HIM’s because the horrific straight white male is back to terrorize the land. Donald Trump is going to be president now and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Is there anything positive here?
Celebrities are Being Harassed Until They Make Good
Over the past year, a chunk of celebrities jokingly threatened that they’ll leave the country if Donald Trump is elected. I think it’s hilarious and I never got sick of it. I still remember when I first heard that a big name celeb wanted to leave. During the primaries, my wife was whipping me with a belt because I have a wicked case of ED and this is the only thing that’ll work, and we were discussing the prospects of a Clinton/Trump election and she said Cher Tweeted that she’ll move… to Jupiter! Ha, ha, that’s classic. She’s out of here, she’s saying. She wants no part of it. That’s what I get out of that. Soon after my wife told me I finished because she branded me with a hot cattle iron. Here’s a list of just some celebs who are being harassed to keep their word.
Jon Stewart said he’s going to another planet if Trump wins. I miss old Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. They were the only semblance of true satire America has ever been able to achieve. Now we have Samantha fucking Bee.
Chelsea Handler, back in May, said she is moving to Spain and has already purchased a house in another country.
Amy Schumer thought in a parallel manner to Chelsea Handler and said she is going to Spain.
Keegan-Michael Key, Chloe Sevigny, Barbra Streisand, Raven-Symone, and Ne-Yo all said they’re moving to Canada if Trump is elected. Neve Campbell also said she’d move to Canada. I don’t know who she is, but I can’t like any of these people anymore because of the unoriginality. This move to Canada bit is popular at the office water cooler. I expected better from Coach Hines.
LENA DUNHAM. The only thing that sucks about this is that she’s most obnoxious on the Internet and I think Vancouver, where she said she’d actually go, probably has solid Internet access. One of the other girls (Zosia Mamet) from Girls said she’d move to Siberia, which sucks because she was one of the good characters from that show. I watched the first two seasons.
Aside: On November 3rd, Funny or Die released a music video for Dunham’s “satirical” rap song. In a HuffPo article, she said, “I liked the idea of a well-meaning, ridiculous white girl who thinks she’s helping the election by exposing her body and writing thoughtless rap music.” This is definitive proof that Lena Dunham does not understand irony and is completely removed from how Americans see her (reminds me of another woman). Dunham makes fun of a rich white girl doing something moronic, like making a rap video for their favorite candidate, by being a rich white girl who makes a completely unfunny and moronic rap video supporting her favorite candidate. There’s a line in the video that says “people have the nerve to ask her what her plan is.” SHE WAS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. THE WHOLE POINT OF HER CAMPAIGN IS TO LET THE COUNTRY KNOW WHAT HER PLAN IS, YOU MOUTH-BREATHING IGNORAMUS. What an absolute SHOCK that this didn’t make more Americans understand why she is voting for Hillary.
Whoopi Goldberg just said it would be time to go and that she can afford it. We’re happy for you, Whoopi.
Samuel L. Jackson said he is moving to South Africa. Nooooo, then he won’t be able to make the Snakes on a Plane sequel.
Cher said she is moving to Jupiter. I don’t know if you follow her on Twitter, but she might actually believe that’s possible.
George Lopez said Hispanics will all go back. He is not going to like the fact that 29% of Hispanic voters helped force his hand.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg, a Democrat on the Supreme Court, wants nothing to do with Trump and said she’s setting sail for New Zealand if Trump is Prez. She’s a big Lord of the Rings fan.
Al Sharpton said he’s reserving a ticket for “out of here” if Trump wins. I don’t know if he’s ever booked a flight, but it’s going to be tough to get a ticket for that hot vacation spot.
Spike Lee said he’d move. Where? Brooklyn. That’s still in the United States. Get out of here, Spike, nobody likes you anymore.
Armie Hammer, the guy who played one of the Winklevoss twins in The Social Network (the greatest movie of this decade) said he’ll move to the Bahamas and start a jet-ski rental business.
Miley Cyrus cannot wrap her head around a Trump presidency. She didn’t specify where she’s going but she is VERY upset. I don’t want to make this joke, but: Miley, I thought you’d appreciate the fact that Trump CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BALL.
John Krasinski (Jim Halpert) and Nick Kroll (Nick Kroll) heroically said they will stay here in the United States.
Only Under Trump
There exists a film called The Purge. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It was a surprising box office success despite its extremely high level of shitty quality. The movie sucked. Wikipedia says, “Despite mixed reviews, the film was commercially successful, grossing $89.3 million, far surpassing its $3 million budget. It was the lowest budget film to hit the top of the box office charts since 1988.” The reviews were not mixed. If you were lucky enough not to see it, IMDb says the plot goes something like this: In the future, a wealthy family is held hostage for harboring the target of a murderous syndicate during the Purge, a 12-hour period in which any and all crime is legalized.
This spurred a lot of controversial debate amongst college stoners, morons, and dipshits. “What if the Purge was real,” asked James, undergraduate student from Sarah Lawrence College. “I think it might actually work,” says Ana, a graduate student at Colorado College. I’ve since murdered these people, but I think they’re smiling down on us because they know the Purge could be just a bill away.
The good news for anybody like this is we have the only president in history where this might be possible. There’s a 99.9% chance it won’t happen, which is good, but if any President in the history of the U.S. would entertain the notion, it’s Donald Trump. Try to imagine bringing this up to Hillary. She would ask how it’s polling and then go take a nap. I don’t know if she’s ever seen a movie. She strikes me as somebody who would actually enjoy watching paint dry.
Uncuck the White House
We get to watch politicians put on a cute smile for a man they’ve bashed publicly and/or privately for years. Trump called Ted Cruz “probably the single biggest liar” and told him “you are probably worse than Jeb Bush” at one of the debates, and then Cruz was filmed while acting like he’s a volunteer for Trump’s candidacy. Cruz endorsed him long after Trump posted a picture on Twitter so everybody could see how much hotter Melania is than Heidi Cruz.
The never Trump conservatives have no choice but to concede defeat to a man who is truly a Democrat and probably doesn’t understand how a bill becomes a law. These idiots never endorsed him because they thought there’s no way he could win. Now that he’s in office, they need a spot of their own. They’d rather throw away their conservative principles to stay relevant and keep a governmental job than boycott the vile guy who surpassed everybody’s expectations (including his own).
TO HELL WITH THE WHITE MAN
If you’re like me (spend 8-16 hours per day on Twitter, don’t understand a 401k, get news from other people giving their opinion about other people’s opinion about the news) you know that the straight white male has officially become the devil. Is this fair, one might ask. The liberals have lost it over the election and they took to the streets to let America know that he’s not their president.
Let’s look at Wikipedia’s voter demographics from the 2016 election:
- 53% of males voted for Trump and only 41% voted for Clinton.
- 45-64 years: 53% for Trump and 44% for Clinton.
- 65+ years: virtually the same – 53 and 45%, respectively.
- White voters: 58% to Trump and 37% to Clinton.
- White evangelical or born-again Christian: 81% for Trump and 16% for Clinton.
If you are old, you probably voted for Trump. If you are white, you probably voted for Trump. If you are Christian, you can’t comprehend voting anything other than Republican. However,
- Women: 54% for Clinton and 42% for Trump. (White women went 53% for Trump.)
- Hispanic voters: 65% for Clinton and 29% for Trump.
- Asian voters: 65% for Clinton and 29% for Trump.
- Black voters: 88% for Clinton and 8% for Trump.
- Racially “other” voters: 56% for Clinton and 37% for Trump.
FORTY-TWO percent of women voted for Trump. They made up 52% of total votes and approximately 27.5 out of the 65.5 million women who voted think Trump is a better candidate than Clinton. A majority of white women went Trump which means she couldn’t even win her own demo! Let that sink in. There are lots of people who believe she didn’t win because she’s a woman. Is being a white woman a bigger obstacle than being a black man in politics? We voted for a black guy for two terms. That complaint is pathetic, especially with 53% of white women voting Trump.
TWENTY-NINE percent of Hispanic voters thought The Wall Guy is a better candidate than Hillary Clinton. They voted for the guy who said that Mexico is pushing immigrants into the US who are, in most cases, criminals, drug dealers, rapists, etc. Over FOUR MILLION Hispanics voted for him and there’s almost no way they couldn’t be aware of what he’s said. However, only 11% of total voters were Hispanic. Relative to our population (16.3%), this is not representative of Hispanics.
Maybe I’m ignorant on the matter (highly unlikely – my IQ is 458 and I have a photographic memory), but I don’t think Trump has ever criticized Asian people the way he has with everybody else. He obviously doesn’t like China’s dominance, but I don’t think Asian people feel threatened by that. It’s just business, folks. Anyway, the facts show that Asian people love democracy. Four percent of voters were Asian and they only make up 4.7% of the population. That’s very representative democracy of them.
Black people did the most Clinton voting, but the Democrats could throw David Duke out there and he’d get 50+% of their vote. As always, voter suppression was a factor that weighed heavily on the black and Hispanic population. However, black people made up 12% of the vote and are 12.2% of the population. Moreover, Trump received 2% more of the black vote than Romney.
What I’m getting at here is the fault is not all on white people. This fault is on Hillary Clinton being the most transparently corrupt politician most (if not all) voters have ever seen. She was under investigation at least twice over the last year, can’t make up her mind on anything she claims she believes, received from and donated to terrorist groups, and generally has the disposition of a robot overdosing on Xanax. This is called victim shaming now. WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN SHE WOULD LOSE WHEN SHE WAS DABBING ON TV. THE WRITING WAS ON THE WALL AND WE WERE BLIND. It’s on electoral votes… Trumping… the popular vote for the second time since 2000. It’s on the absurdly untouchable two-party system. It’s on the fact that the US government is universally distrusted by the American people and Donald Trump campaigned on all of this. If he was consistent about anything, it was media and government being unworthy of our trust. That’s why 60 million people voted for him (which is virtually identical to the last two elections because this wasn’t about Republican voters, it was about the absence of Democrats).
All in all, demographics turned out in almost their exact populate percentages, but Democrats couldn’t identify with Hillary. The people trying to put the onus on racist, white Americans flocking to the polls are trying to cover their asses because they were all wrong. Liberals cannot look in the mirror and admit that they had the opportunity to elect a truly progressive candidate in the primaries, but that would be some form of hate crime against women since Bernie is a white man. “It’s her turn.” This isn’t a damn monarchy and lower/middle-class people who have no prospects for improving their standard of living and haven’t for eight years do not buy into the It’s Her Turn bullshit. You think a laid-off guy in Georgia whose kid is addicted to oxycodone and just decided to hop over to the cheaper alternative, heroin, is looking at Clinton saying “America is already great!” and going, yeah, this place rules! It’s a country where millions are struggling to get through the day and the Apprentice Guy is at least willing to admit that this country has major problems.
Money Couldn’t Get Clinton Over the Hump
We know campaigns spend an absurd amount on advertising, polling, staff, and paying millennials to finally update their social media game. I can’t believe this got half a million retweets. Clinton is rivaling One Direction with this atrocity.
A staggering $923,192,598 was spent on campaigns this year. Almost one billion damn dollars. $534,352,332 was spent by Hillary’s campaign. This means she alone has spent almost $800 million on campaigns between 2008 and 2016 and has been crushed in both elections. In 2008, she obviously didn’t even win the nominee. Trump spent a whopping $367,405,384, most of it on McDonald’s. Our beloved Gary Johnson came in an obvious third with $10,349,663. Hillary or Trump could have written me a check for a cool mill with no problem. Honestly, what effect would one million have on one of their campaigns after it’s all said and done? They could’ve changed my life. Instead, they opted out for cheeseburgers and cringe-worthy Snapchat videos.
Celebrity Clinton Endorsements Aren’t Worth Dick
Celebrities across the board are endorsing left candidates. This is supposed to make you, the Average American, want to get out there and vote. Wait, what? You mean farmers in Nebraska and laid-off metal workers in Montana didn’t read LeBron’s Clinton op-ed? Well then, I don’t know what influential figures are supposed to do for the people. Voters didn’t give a shit that Beyonce and Jay-Z were with her. I have spirited opinions about abortion so I’m going with Trump because he has Pence as his Vic- wait, Robert De Niro said cuss words at Trump? Forget it, I’m bailing. Madonna saying she believes she is part of a minority didn’t influence anybody. Nobody gives a shit about Meryl Streep’s political beliefs. Americans are not listening to the opinions of cast members from West Wing, the show that ended a decade ago. Maybe these around the clock news sites that churn out articles about other articles about people talking about what other people say should start adding something of value. What they are doing now is clearly not helping. Another thing that didn’t work is celebrity feminism.
I am actually quite surprised Katy Perry’s dress didn’t work. Perry has been shilling for Clinton since 2015. It has not helped because Hillary is a robot with bad circuitry trying to make you believe she’s real. Did you forget that the election is a popularity contest? The Obama dress worked because Obama is cool as hell. He’s killed thousands of innocent people with drones, made a ludicrously expensive healthcare system, won’t call extremist terrorism extremist terrorism, median income has gone down ($55,380 in ’08, $56,516 in ’15 – should have been at least $62,100 by 2016 with inflation), but when he gives a speech I can’t help but think “it’s all good, man.” He’s slicker than greased goose shit and Hillary is a wet mop in a pantsuit. That’s why the white dress worked and the blue one didn’t. Katy, if you’re reading this: I think both dresses look great/comfortable and I was with her on November 8th.
Trump’s Win Is Not the Fault of a Third Party
6,021,924 voters chose to support somebody other than Clinton or Trump. 4,152,009 votes went to our beautiful baby boy Gary Johnson, the Libertarian candidate who doesn’t understand climate change. People are losing their minds over this since those numbers could obviously sway the election in most battleground states. Thousands of people on Twitter seem to believe that every single one of these votes for a third party would automatically have gone to Clinton. The crossover between Libertarians and Democrats is minimal at best. They agree on some social issues (like abortion since Libertarians think the government should never come near your mind or body) but that is it. Libertarianism is the belief system that each individual’s life happens in a vacuum, they never come in contact with other people, and all taxes rob individuals of their right to property. It was founded on thought experiments and would work in real life for the few people who won’t be affected no matter the governmental policies. It’s for people who believe Ayn Rand is a philosopher. The views match up with Republican economics closely and the thought that four million voters would have jumped over to Clinton had they not voted third-party is asinine. The people pushing this idea are the dipshits on the left who were too stupid to realize Clinton is a centrist dullard who can’t win any middle/lower class voters and vote for BERNIE SANDERS, the only real progressive we had. Here’s a nice hole in the debate: Trump won Michigan by ~13,000 votes. Approximately 90,000 (NINETY THOUSAND) Michigan voters filled in the down ballot and left the Presidential segment blank. This is how much middle-class America cannot stand politicians.
Don’t ever forget: 15,000 votes went to Harambe, the dead ape who was shot at an Ohio zoo.
One Hypothetical to Rule Them All
The only hypothetical left to argue is Bernie v. Trump. I, like much of the Internet, think Bernie would mop the floor with Trump in a debate. Bernie has more numbers lodged in his head than Rain Man and he is fueled by Hatred of The System, the system he’s been in since 1981. Oh, and he was a real activist. Trump figured out what he believes on several key issues while running through meandering sentences about them over the last year. I legitimately believe he came up with his stance on abortion while he answered this question. We never got to see the Bernie-Trump matchup because Americans are more scared of buzzwords like socialism than they are of real threats, like young white and Asian mass shooters or the tripling of heroin abuse. “Bernie wants to make everyone equal” is a common phrase that the right likes to use. I really love when that’s said by people who were old enough to vote for Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, or Carter. They were alive, and reaping the benefits, of a heavily progressive tax plan. The highest income tax in 1944 was 94% and it stayed high like that until it went from 70% in ‘81 to 50% in ‘82. After 1986, Reagan cut taxes dramatically. I implore you to scroll through this.
$200,000+ ($2,743,500 in 2016) was the cutoff for the wealthiest tax bracket in ‘44. There were 24 (twenty-four!) tax brackets that year starting from 23% at $0-2,000 ($0-27,435 in 2016). Now we have seven tax brackets. They start from 10% at $0-17,850 and end with 39.6% at $450,000+. The highest tax bracket now would be equivalent to stopping at $33,997 in 1944. Trump’s tax plan breaks down like this:
Capping the income tax is idiotic and it’s never worked for this country. Bernie’s proposed tax plan looked like this:
I think the lowest two income brackets should be left the same as they are now. Those two brackets don’t need any less money, so I disagree with Bernie there (what do I know). However, the rest of his proposed tax plan is far from making everybody equal. What standard of living changes are there for somebody with a $10 million income when he/she goes from 39.6% in taxes ($6,040,000 take home) to 54.2% in taxes ($4,580,000 take home)? Another ~1.5 million would be great, but does it really improve the standard of living for that already insanely rich person? No, and they’ll get a huge chunk of that back in a return. The point is to skim off the top for a dramatic improvement at the bottom. All I’m saying is think about it, folks. We did very well as a country with a graduated income tax and it would bring in trillions (13.6 trillion in 10 years is the estimate).
Anyway, Bernie would have thrashed Trump in debates, but it doesn’t matter now because voters didn’t care about the primaries. I wish the protesters above would have cared this much back in January and voted for the Mad Old Man, the Berndog. Donald Trump is the 45th President of the United States of America because Democrats elected to put one of the worst campaigns ever on the line against the guy who is impervious to everything (we’ve yet to see anything he’s not capable of withstanding). Hillary’s campaign pretended to take on left social policies that Bernie advocated and waited for Trump to put his foot in his mouth. He had been doing that for decades, why would it affect him now? Don’t forget that a woman just dropped a rape case against him for the third time. He insulted everybody under the sun who does not have a white wiener. He doesn’t seem to have any kind of temperament and routinely tweets at 3 am. He has a strange relationship with Putin (and his daughter, Ivanka) and apparently likes Putin’s style. Bernie would have thrashed him and it’s the Democrats fault for not pushing him forward.
The Trump Vote Did Not Happen in a Vacuum
You are aware of the protesting that is happening. You may or may not be aware of the wave of violent behavior that has ensued since November 8th. I think it’ll only get worse. Trump supporters are being chastised and attacked in some cases.
Why: minorities feel a vote for Trump is a vote against them. Voting for Trump lumps the voter in with the same rhetoric that he used to become the candidate. If you voted for Trump, you have to be a racist/bigot/xenophobe/idolator/etc.
I have to think a majority of Trump voters believe his words are repulsive and hyperbolic, especially when you consider the fact that he’s been a calm Democrat in every interview before 2015. If so many of Trump’s supporters are what they are being called, why did they support Obama for two terms? Swaths of counties that voted for Obama switched over to Trump. There is no way in hell Obama supporters became racist in between 2012 and 2016. This is an unfounded opinion and it’s dangerous for our country. The election reflects much more on the Democrats not showing up at the polls.
When Is It Time to Panic?
We already know Pence is a piece of shit, but he’s only the Vice President of the United States. Let’s hope he comes back to the middle along with the POTUS. Trump has already said same-sex marriage is settled, but Roe v. Wade is up in the air, state-wise. There’s also the fact that Republicans are one state legislature away from having 3/5 majority, giving them the ability to amend the Constitution as they please. When is it time to panic over Trump? When the words of Umberto Eco from 1995 ring true. Well, if you read the quick points of that link you’ll see that a lot of it has rung true throughout this country’s existence. Eco talks about action for action’s sake, a tactic the US has employed since, well, at least WWII. The Iraq War is the perfect example. We had no reason to believe they had WMD‘s, were behind 9/11, and we had intelligence that Saudi Arabia was responsible for the attacks. However, the Bush administration thought action was better than non-action. Look at the state of affairs now. The ENTIRE Middle East is an abject war zone and it’s largely in part to our government fearing non-action is far worse than action with terrible results.
The new fascistic principles we should fear: disagreement being a form of treason. Eco says, “in modern culture the scientific community praises disagreement as a way to improve knowledge.” When that is lost and we see that it is wrong or disrespectful to disagree, run for the hills.
“Ur-Fascism grows up and seeks consensus by exploiting and exacerbating the natural fear of difference. The first appeal of a fascist or prematurely fascist movement is an appeal against the intruders.” We fear what we don’t understand. Fascism fears intruders and any deviation from the status quo. Trump campaigned on appeal against the intruders, so be mindful if he continues with that language and the effects it may have.
The beginning is an appeal to the socially, financially, and individually frustrated middle class. The group that is being made painfully aware that the divide between the rich and poor is only growing. This was one of the main talking points of our new President, the guy who is worth billions of dollars. “To people who feel deprived of a clear social identity, Ur-Fascism says that their only privilege is the most common one, to be born in the same country.” I say American, you say nationalism. American! Eco says that there needs to be an obsession with a plot. The plot now is one of the extremists trying to take over our country – ISIS. We must feel besieged, Eco says, and the easiest way to solve the plot is an appeal to xenophobia. There are lots of Muslims in this country and that fact is putting fear into the minds of Americans with the right’s xenophobic rhetoric. You might be reading “ISIS is good” in between the lines here, but I actually don’t think that.
I’m just going to quote this because it’s perfect the way it is: “In a democracy, the citizens have individual rights, but the citizens in their entirety have a political impact only from a quantitative point of view — one follows the decisions of the majority. For Ur-Fascism, however, individuals as individuals have no rights, and the People is conceived as a quality, a monolithic entity expressing the Common Will. Since no large quantity of human beings can have a common will, the Leader pretends to be their interpreter. Having lost their power of delegation, citizens do not act; they are only called on to play the role of the People. Thus the People is only a theatrical fiction. There is in our future a TV or Internet populism, in which the emotional response of a selected group of citizens can be presented and accepted as the Voice of the People.”
This became so literal that we elected a TV personality to be the President. The divide between entertainment and politics has dissolved completely. Watch for the above, folks. And when the picture below turns into Trump actually calling for the eradication of certain news sources or factions capable of creating propaganda (he already hates SNL’s impressions of himself), it’s time to panic.
Listen to the Chapo Trap House podcast (Will Menaker, Felix Biederman, Matt Christman, and guest Virgil Texas) talk about the election. They say everything much better than I do and give great insight into why we were caught with our pants down.
“Well, that about does her, wraps her all up… I guess that’s the way the whole darned human comedy keeps perpetuatin’ itself, down through the generations, westward the wagons, across the sands of time until we– aw, look at me, I’m ramblin’ again. Well, I hope you folks enjoyed yourselves. Catch ya later on down the trail.” – The Stranger
Until next time,