Folks, the last year has been a doozy. I might even go as far as to say that it’s been a real doozy. The Presidential election has devolved into a showdown between the least qualified (has never done anything successfully besides buy and sell property with father’s coin, genuinely believes he’s superior to every other person on the planet but might score a 16 on the ACT if he took it tomorrow, sexually assaults women and thinks Billy Bush is cool) person to ever run and most qualified (pro-Iraq War, accepts money from the group’s that are genociding in the Middle East, fakes being a human being to relate to the human demographic which makes up 100% of voters, etc.) person to ever run. We have a serious kerfuffle on our hands.
The following is something that absolutely will happen because it came to me in a dream.
Sometime before 2017, either Hillary Hussein Clinton or Donald Drumpf will become President of the United States of these Americas. Barring some catastrophic ruling by the FBI to indict Hillary, leaving her ineligible for candidacy, and Trump not being murdered by a member of a demographic he’s insulted, which would be every non-white male demographic, this will happen. One of these two people will be President.
Following this, and I would guess no later than 2020, somebody will devise a form of time travel. It might be Elon Musk, hell, it might even be that insane former billionaire, Elizabeth Holmes. We don’t know what she was doing with all that money the VC’s were giving her because she sure as hell wasn’t creating the product she promised. Elon Musk is pretending to care about energy when we can all but know for a fact that he’s funding some Nazi scientist to create cyborgs. Why shouldn’t we believe he’s interested in wormholes?
By 2020, when America resembles a cowpie that is literally steaming from all the nukes that just turned it into a barren wasteland, somebody will create a vehicle capable of navigating through space and time. Some of the savvier readers might be saying, but Max, isn’t it technically true that all vehicles travel through space and time? To those readers: shut the fuck up and let me have this.
It might not look like the Delorean, but the driver will look like Doc Brown. The time travel device is irrelevant, as any knowledgable time traveler understands. What’s truly paramount here – what is to be done with the machine. With great power comes great ability to fuck shit up (looking at you, Donald).
Stick with me here.
The machine will be used to travel back in time to October 28, 2012. Why this year, Max? Because 2012 was a time of simplicity and calm. A time when all we worried about was reelecting a man who was temperate and had a jumper, or electing a man who was literally simple and enjoyed a good binder. Ah, the good old days. The driver of the Musk Machine (trademark pending) will go back in time to 2012 and run the good people of America through a timeline of the last year (October 2015-October 2016).
This will freak the darn heck out of the young, innocent folks who were living in 2012 because they didn’t know anything about what was to come. How could they possibly fathom the series of unfortunate events that not even Lemony Snicket could have predicted? I look back on the folks of 2012 and think, ah, to be young and full of hope. Those dough-eyed fawns are going to be gasping for air under that ton of bricks. They will be so ashamed of themselves and will feel an overwhelming sense of panic.
Denial will obviously set in first. What follows? Yep, it’s our good friend Anger. Once Anger passes we’ll ask: isn’t there anything we can do? If I just read a few more books I’ll be smart enough and we won’t let it come to that! I can do better, I promise! That’s Anger’s ugly friend, Bargaining. Oh, what’s this? Depression? By 2012 I had already started to grasp the irony that flows through our universe and was solidly depressed, but when I get hit by the driver of the Musk Machine I’m going to be inconsolable.
A spring of calm runs through our veins. The nation as a whole is back to pre-Musk Machine visit and things are cool, calm, and collected. We are back to being the semi-rational, self-interested animals we’ve always known we are. What’s that smell in the air? Folks, that’s Acceptance. We’ve accepted who we are, who we become. We accept this because we must. All choice and will is an amalgam of our physiology, environment, and the causal wheel of time. All that is to come is what’s to come. 2016 will happen and that’s what will happen. Unless it doesn’t. Unless… unless we make sure the Mayans were right.
DISCLAIMER: Obviously, if we killed ourselves off on December 12th, 2012, it would erase the timeline of Trump and Clinton from 2015-16 and would not call for the Musk Machine to be created. If the Musk Machine isn’t created there will be nobody to go back in time to inform Americans about the Trump/Clinton debacle, therefore we will not walk hand in hand into extinction. I understand this paradox and it’s why all time travel movies are horseshit. Except Back to the Future. The point of this article is that we’re fucked. You can always vote for me.
“Well, that about does her, wraps her all up… I guess that’s the way the whole darned human comedy keeps perpetuatin’ itself, down through the generations, westward the wagons, across the sands of time until we– aw, look at me, I’m ramblin’ again. Well, I hope you folks enjoyed yourselves. Catch ya later on down the trail.” – The Stranger
Until next time,